A joke only financial insiders understand

A friend of mine was studying in the United States. When he was selecting courses, he found a course called “Options and Futures” and he chose it decisively, hoping to learn some life experience. However, after class, he found that he had no idea what it was about, so he went to ask an elder for help. The elder looked down at the textbook in his hand, and there was a word “Options and Futures” printed on it.

1

Archimedes: Give me a lever and I can move the earth.

Financial person: Here, I’ll lend you this triple leverage.

When the market opened the next day, Archimedes had suffered a net loss of two earths.

2

Accountant: You don’t produce, process, or provide core services. How do you make money?

Finance: Look, how are you going to sell this basket of rotten apples?

Accountant: Sell it at half the original price.

Finance: We cut off the rotten ones, make them into fruit plates, and sell them at ten times the original price.

3.

A finance student and his professor were walking on the road, and there was a pile of shit on the roadside. The student’s family was very rich, and he suddenly had an idea and said, “Teacher, how about this, if you eat this pile of shit, I will give you 5 million.” The professor nodded, smiled, took out his mobile phone, called a person, and the person ate the shit completely. The student was stunned and asked the professor why.

The professor lit a cigarette, looked up at the sky, and said, “Ten years ago, I made a bet in a joke that if one person ate a bite, they would contribute 1 million to the country’s GDP. At that time, I bought a call option to eat shit, and I was waiting for this day.”

The student was amazed that the teacher had made such a leap in ten years. He then asked: “What about the other senior who made a bet with the teacher?”

“He makes money faster than me,” the professor put out his cigarette and pointed at the man who was wiping his mouth after eating shit. “He is selling options now.”

4.

The financial officer asked the accountant squatting next to him: Do you lose hair?

————On the role of accounting in IPO

5.

Reporter: What are you doing?

Coin Maker: I’m making commemorative coins.

Reporter: What are you doing?

Citizen: I am queuing up to exchange commemorative coins.

Reporter: What are you doing?

Bank: I’m handing out worthless paper that they’ll never spend.

1.

A: Oh my god! I just missed two calls from my girlfriend!B: What’s the big deal?A: You don’t understand, man, it’s like forgetting to hedge at the end of the day.B: Oh, that’s too bad.
2.

A: What about that French girl you dated recently?B: She’s nice, smart and pretty. But she’s like a European option, you can only exercise it on the expiration date.A: Expiration date, when is it?B: I want to know the fucking time too.A: You should find an American girl next time.
3.

A corporate bond trader and a government bond trader walk into a pizza shop.The waiter asks: Gentlemen, how would you like me to cut my pizza?The corporate bond trader says: I like things cut into 8 pieces.The government bond trader then says: Then I’ll cut it into 32 pieces.
4.

A: Girls these days are too cheap, none of them can make me dream at night.B: What do you think of Yellen?A: Well, she can keep me up at night.
5.

A: I found an arbitrage opportunity in our cafeteria.B: Tell me about it.A: The food in the cafeteria is $7 a pound, while the market price of bacon is about $10 a pound. Plus, the weight of bacon is less than half of the original after it is fried. This is a perfect arbitrage!B: So how do you execute it?A: I eat a lot every time.B: No wonder you are so fat.
6.

A: He is so pitiful. He got married so early, and his wife is still so ugly.B: If you can stare at Bloomberg for a day, believe me, his wife is not that bad.
7.

Option trader: Do you know the difference between bonds and bond traders?Bond trader: What is it?Option trader: Bonds mature. (Bond matures.)Bond trader: Do you know the difference between options and options traders?Option trader: I don’t know.Bond trader: Options have intrinsic value. (Option has intrinsic value.)

I saw this on Quora.

This joke comes from a manager at Goldman Sachs:

A long time ago, there was a village. One day, a stranger came and announced to the villagers that he was willing to buy a large number of monkeys at a price of 10 rupees each. The villagers saw that there were many monkeys in the forest around the village, so they caught and sold them to him.

This man bought thousands of monkeys. At this time, there were not many monkeys in the forest, and it was not easy to catch them. Many villagers were unwilling to go to the trouble of catching monkeys.

At this time, the stranger announced that he was willing to increase the price to 20 rupees each. Many villagers saw that the price had doubled, and they began to try to catch monkeys in the forest again.

There were even fewer monkeys in the forest, and it was even more difficult to catch monkeys, so many villagers returned to work in the fields. At this time, the price of purchasing monkeys had increased to 25 rupees each, but there were too few monkeys in the forest. It was not easy to see a monkey, let alone catch one!

The stranger announced that he was willing to increase the price to 50 rupees each! However, since he had to go back to the city to take care of some business, the matter of buying monkeys was temporarily handed over to his assistant.

During his absence, his assistant told the villagers, “Look at these monkeys in the cage. I will sell them to you for 35 rupees each. When he comes back, you can sell them to him for 50 rupees each. What a bargain!”  

The villagers took out their savings and soon all the monkeys were bought by the villagers.

But they never saw the stranger and his assistant again. There were only monkeys everywhere in the village.

A monk asked a young man: “A fishing rod and a basket of fish, which one would you choose?” The young man said: “I want a basket of fish.”

The monk shook his head and laughed, “You are too superficial. It is better to teach people how to fish than to give them fish. Do you understand this principle? The fish is gone once you eat it, but you can catch many fish with a fishing rod, and it can be used for a lifetime!”

The young man said: “I want a basket of fish and then sell it, and I can buy a lot of fishing rods. Then I can rent out the fishing rods to others and collect rent… or I can select good fishing rods as physical capital and invest them in professional fishermen, and continue to get dividends according to the operating cycle…”

Senior monk: Amitabha, I don’t talk to people working in finance! !

The following paragraphs come from the Internet:

After the two sessions, there are new developments in the theory of fish pond economics!

1: A new fish pond opened the day before yesterday, and the fishing fee was 100 yuan. I fished all day but didn’t catch any fish, and the boss said that anyone who didn’t catch any fish would be given a chicken. Many of my friends went there, and when they came back, each of them carried a chicken, and everyone was very happy! They thought the boss was very generous!!! Later, the gatekeeper of the fishing ground said that the boss was originally a professional chicken farmer, and there were no fish in the fish pond. This method is called “destocking”!

2: Today, another fish pond opened. Inspired by the fish pond that opened yesterday, fishing in this fish pond is free, but the fish caught can be sold for 15 yuan per catty. Many people went there happily. Strangely, no matter whether they can fish or not, they can catch dozens of fish a day. Everyone is very happy! They feel like fishing masters!!! Later, the gatekeeper of the fishing ground said that the boss bought the fish at the wholesale market for 3 yuan per catty. He sent his son to dive underwater and hang them on their hooks one by one. This method is called [supply-side reform]!

3: The third fish pond opened today. Inspired by the first two fish ponds, this fish pond implements a net-casting fishing model, allowing customers to wear straw raincoats, hats, and take a boat to the center of the fish pond to fish. Customers dress up as fishermen to experience farming culture. The fish pond is specifically responsible for sending people to take beautiful pictures and send them to customers on WeChat Moments to improve the customer’s status. In the end, the fish caught in the net only cost 10 yuan per catty, so you can just buy it. Many people went there happily. In less than ten minutes, several nets caught dozens of catties of fish. The fish pond owner’s daily sales volume increased from 500 catties to 10,000 catties, and the time cycle was greatly shortened. Customers had a good experience in playing, and the wholesale market had no inventory. This method is called [deleveraging reform, derived from the reform of removing fishing rods from fish ponds]

4. Today, the fourth fish pond opened. Inspired by the previous three fish ponds, fishing in this fish pond is free, and the fish caught can also be taken away for free. Many people went there happily. Strangely, many people caught mermaids. Then the fishermen had lunch with the mermaids, enjoying Lafite red wine and Kobe steak, and watching singing and dancing… The old man who looked after the fish pond said that the mermaids were actually the girls invited by Dongguan! This method is called [deep mining of customer needs]

5. Recently, there are many fish ponds, which have become the most popular project. The boss told customers who often go fishing that investing in fish ponds is very profitable, with a payback period of half a year and a doubling of the money in a year. In order to give back to old customers, a membership incentive plan is now launched. With a one-time investment of 18,000 yuan, customers can enjoy lifetime membership benefits, as well as 1% of the shares and an annual dividend of 5,000 yuan. If they need money, they can also transfer their shares. Customers are worried about where to invest, and with such a good project, one hundred people paid in less than one morning. … Later, the old man who guards the fishing ground said that the boss borrowed 200,000 yuan from the bank last year, but it has been overdue. Today, he finally paid it back and also paid the wages that were owed for half a year. This method is called [asset securitization]

Signal Tips:

1. Entry signal:

1. An old man who traded stocks suffered a sudden myocardial infarction and died in the trading hall.

2. A corrupt official embezzled public funds to invest in stocks and was unable to return them, so he was arrested.

3. Temporary workers at securities companies cannot receive wages.

4. The head of the private equity firm jumped off a building or fled abroad.

5. The state bank is lax and makes loans indiscriminately.

2. Exit signal:

1.Zhou Xiaochuan’s speech.

2. Shang Fulin should vigorously develop the capital market.

3. Stock analysts say that institutions are giving money to retail investors.

4. The stock fairy is exposed and the stock god appears.

5. PetroChina pulls up the index wildly.

3. Pathological signals:

1. Hong Kong bigwigs come to show their concern.

2. Economists come to discuss.

3. Rogers, Buffett, and Soros come and play.

4. Xinhua News Agency and People’s Daily came to cheer.

Note: These three types of signals are extremely effective and have never failed.

Once the signal appears, it is the safe period;

After the second signal appears, it is the dangerous period;

When signal three appears, it means the cancer is in the terminal stage.

These three signals are far more accurate than any K-line, moving average or indicator.